Control the Controllable

This isn’t a blog where I sugarcoat shit. One of my intentions when deciding that I wanted to not only start writing, but share my writing, was to share what I’m going through in real time and let you in for a second in hopes that maybe someone was going through the same thing, or something similar, or just in hopes that my words help someone and remind them that no one’s life is perfect no matter what their Instagram page carousel portrays. That’s not to say that it’s a facade, it just means that we all only share the good, right? We don’t share the ways our nervous system retreats when we’re triggered by something, or how we cope with stress, or how our anxieties manifest themselves. We’re all literally a speck on this earth on a floating rock with a million and one responsibilities working our lives away at a job we’re all miserable at just trying make ends meet when you want so much more for yourself.

AND BY THE WAY, HI - YOU’RE DOING FUCKING GREAT.

Today is just one of those days where I feel the ACTUAL weight of the world on my fucking shoulders. If you’re new here, my fiancé was recently blessed with the gift of a donor kidney. This unfortunately isn’t his first rodeo and is his second kidney transplant as he has chronic kidney disease. The transplant surgery went fantastic and his recovery has been outstanding. The only con of the entire situation is that he’s obviously been out of work for two months and I am currently the only one working and bringing home a paycheck. Yes, his job sucks. He only had two days of leave to burn and his job does not offer short term disability, so we’ve been surviving on solely the paychecks that I bring home. I feel extremely blessed to have the job that I do, and to make the money that I make to be able to provide for ourselves until he’s cleared to go back to work next month, but man it’s taken it’s toll. My masseuse has for sure been working *overtime* during my deep tissue massage appointments.

We’re in Northern Virginia. Rent ain’t cheap. Nor are utilities, and let’s not get started on the price of groceries where any time I step into a store I spend what I normally spend on a big haul, on a small haul. It’s just absolutely ridiculous. Again, I’m blessed to even be able to have the privilege to still make that grocery haul, and to be able to always fill up my gas tank, etc. It’s really all about perspective here. I tell my direct reports at work all the time: “Control the Controllable”. It’s even written on my wipe board next to my work monitors. It’s all we can do. Really sit there, take some deep breathes and tell yourself control the controllable and fuck the rest because if its out of your hands, if you’ve tried everything and exhausted all of your avenues, what more can you do. Let it go.

PS: not that I have to justify this to anyone, but my fiancé is a supportive partner in many different ways, we communicate, and he hears (as in I read them to him aloud before I finalize and post) and knows that my stress is valid. This will probably be one of the roughest patches we’ll have to go through but we’re almost to the home stretch where he’ll be cleared to go back to work and have two incomes coming in again. We got this. If you’re going through something similar or even just facing a hardship, period, I’m here for you, you’re feelings are valid, you are doing your absolute BEST with the resources that you have, and you will be ok. Lastly, please do not forget to take care of _YOU_. You cannot pour from an empty cup so give yourself grace as well as permission to treat yourself to something for continuously showing up when shit hits the fan. We didn't come this far to give up now.

GMT